Why It Does Not Go Without Saying
A plea to use your words with conviction and confidence
A couple of years ago, during what was a heated discussion with Lesley, I had one of those moments where I was both saying words and experiencing this out-of-body ability to hear myself say the words at the same time.
That heated discussion was likely about something pretty trivial, but it wasn’t the topic that mattered as much as the tone—or the intent of approaching the conversation with a desire to actually understand and connect, rather than just verbally joust.
Since that conversation, I’ve been really aware any time I, or someone else, says this phrase:
“It goes without saying.”
We use it to preface things we assume are obvious. Things like love, pride, gratitude, admiration, or appreciation.
I am convinced: It absolutely does NOT go without saying.
In fact, the most meaningful things in life often go unsaid.
The reason for this, as far as I can tell, is that we get weirdly allergic to actually using our words to name those things.
We dismiss opportunities to externally express our interior feelings and we hold our tongues when we think something complimentary toward someone else.
Silence as a Safety Mechanism
I’ve noticed it in myself. I’ll want to say something sincere, something encouraging or personal, and instead, I find a way to make it way less meaningful as I look for some bashfully indirect way to express my thoughts.
“Well, i’m sure goes without saying, but you should feel good about how you did today.”
…what a timid and cowardly way to talk to someone.
Why can’t I just say “You are awesome. I’m proud of you.”
It’s a hedge. A softening. A way of delivering something real without fully committing to it.
It’s like playing a game of “ding dong ditch” with your words. Drop that encouragement on someone’s doorstep, ring the bell, and run away before there’s any real opportunity at human connection.
We do this because vulnerability is uncomfortable.
Especially when it’s not dramatic or emotional…just ordinary.
But here’s the thing:
Ordinary affirmation isn’t ordinary to the person who’s receiving it.
In fact, there’s really no such thing as ordinary affirmation at all anymore. Due to it’s lack of frequency, it’s pretty much always extraordinary when you hear someone actually speak with conviction, clarity, and confidence in pursuit of building another person up.
The Biology of Saying It
This isn’t just a poetic plea. There’s real psychology here.
A 2022 study from the University of Pittsburgh found that verbal affirmation activates reward-related regions of the brain, specifically the ventral striatum, which associated with pleasure and motivation.
It also increases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which enhances feelings of safety and connection.
And even a single sentence of affirmation can reduce levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Another study in the Journal of Positive Psychology (2020) showed that people consistently underestimate how meaningful it is to express appreciation. Participants thought it would feel awkward or unnecessary, but (surprise!) only they discovered that recipients felt deeply moved, more connected, and generally more positive about life afterward.
Words change the emotional weather in someone’s mind.
They regulate the nervous system.
They reshape relationships.
Safety is at the foundation of our basic needs as a human being. Not being extremely clear with people you care about is a great way to remove safety from your relationship, and from their life in general.
Encouragement literally rewires the brain toward trust.
We’re Afraid to Be Too Much
Here’s what I think is really going on:
We’re not sure we’re allowed to say the thing.
We’ve been trained by sarcasm and society to play it cool.
To be chill. Measured. Casual. NORMAL (insert vomit emoji).
Sincerity feels risky. Earnestness is embarrassing. Vulnerability makes us feel... exposed.
So instead of:
“I admire you.”
we say “you’re a pretty cool guy,”
Instead of:
“You look really beautiful.”
it’s “I like that shirt.”
Instead of:
“I really enjoy being around you.”
we say nothing and hope they feel it anyway.
Instead of an earnest
“I love you.”
It’s “love ya, dude.”
Instead of:
“I am sorry I made you feel that way.”
we say “It goes without saying that I didn’t mean it like that.”
We assume people are fine without it. That they already know.
But I’ve never met someone who’s over-encouraged.
I’ve never had someone stop me mid-affirmation and say:
“Hey, please. That’s enough clarity and kindness. I’ve hit my quota.”
Words Create Worlds
“Words are the clothing of our thoughts, and when spoken with sincerity, they can heal like medicine.” — David Augsburger
Words build (or destroy) trust. They shape identity. They offer relief
Say the Thing
So here’s the challenge.
Say the thing.
If you’re proud, say it.
If you’re grateful, say it.
If you love someone, please don’t let them guess.
NOW not later.
Say it before the birthday card.
Say it before the funeral speech.
Say it while you still can sit across the table and watch their soul come to life through the light in their eyes when they hear it.
Because the biggest lies we fall for are often the ones packaged in silence.
It Does NOT Go Without Saying
The people in your life, your partner, your friend, your sibling, your team…
They need to hear you.
Not in grand declarations or Hallmark platitudes.
Just in plain, human sentences that remind them they matter.
“I love you”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m proud of you”
“You are awesome.”
Say it awkwardly if you must.
Say it plainly.
But say it with conviction and clarity.
Because the most important things in life are usually the ones that don’t go without saying.
If someone came to mind while reading this….well you should tell them.
-Jp
this is a pretty cool article